Steven Seagal Strikes again….

I just attempted to watch Steven Segal’s new film Code of Honor. Tried, really, really fucking hard.

Back in the early 2000’s, Seagal made more than a dozen of these films where it is apparent he shot all of his scenes in one day, then had them cut into the rest of the film. Although he has moved back into actually showing up on set to work with other human beings, this is a film where he regresses into his one day big paycheck format. Bro, you were back on track toward resurrecting your career. What the fuck dude!?

From what I can tell, it looks like some rich guy used his inheritance to shoot an action film, then he sent Steven a big check to do one day’s work, and then cut all that shit into the “main” film which they actually shot. To be honest, Seagal’s appearance in the film does little to enhance or detract from the marginal appeal of the story line. He was used to sell the film, he got paid, people like me foolishly rented the film. That’s business, God bless America. They got paid.

steven_seagalThe real “star”, Craig Sheffer, who turns in a decent acting job, is obviously hampered by a  director who apparently never made an action film before. Perhaps, he never made a film before. Fact is, the characters are tired, stilted and uninteresting. There is no one to root for, even the bad guy James Franco seems disinterested in being a badass murderous prick. More about his oscar winning performance later.

Sheffer, who plays an FBI agent who eschews standard issue hand guns for a pair of knives, which predictability leads to a way too long and repetitive, not to mention poorly choreographed battle with Seagal. He’s pretty fucking unlikeable, but I’ll take his acting performance over the rest of the cast.

I would be remiss if I did not give props to the news anchors who give newscasts while using overly dramatic dialog which rivaled the writings of Shakespeare. Too bad their so-called “news set” looked like someone’s garage. And, I have never seen professional news anchors dress like they were headed to a cookout.

Also, do your best to ignore the Morton Downey Jr.-like trashy/paparazzi news guy. Apparently someone has stolen Downey’s character/caricature from Predator 2. Very clever! Uh, not.

Jesus. Shall I go on?

I’m not sure what the hell I just watched. Oh. Lots of strippers, insignificant bad guys, and stereotypical Hispanic gang members. By the way, the “director of photography” should probably learn where the focus control is on his camera. Way too many out of focus, poorly lit shots. Tons of Cringe worthy acting, and a useless side story about some woman and her poor, poor kid. The kid reminds Sheffer of his long lost son. It’s almost touching. Warning people: get your tissues! Boo hoo. Uh, not.

Get your tissues to wipe up the excrement coming out of your rear end when you shit yourself over this corny ass bullshit play out on screen. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.

Please Mister Seagal, thou must not tug at thine heart strings! Yeah, sure. Bullshit.

There was in fact a 20 minute stretch of this heart wrenching”back story” which seemed to be nothing more than filler. Talking, walking, nodding, gesturing.

Shit ya’ll! Fight and shoot something!

For the record, and this should come as no surprise, Seagal spends most of the film sitting on the same rooftop perch shooting down thugs. The aforementioned James Russo picks up a quick paycheck as a mob boss who walks around a dark room scowling menacingly at photos of his enemies. That scowling! That distant stare like he wanted to be somewhere–anywhere else than this movie set!

OHHHHH! The humanities!

When the movie was 3/4 over, I checked the time counter on my blu ray hoping it was over. When you watch it (God help you) you’ll find out what I mean. Works much better as a short film, and you know how much I hate short films.

Do yourself a favor and get drunk and eat cheese curls on your couch instead of frying your brain with this incomprehensible vomit bath of a movie. Holy fuck.

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